Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
