Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize