Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize