we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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