after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
