Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
