he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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