The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
