90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
