I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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