Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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