Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
