I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
