Yo dont text me then not text me
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
