I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
