At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just sent this text using only my big toe
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
