This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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