Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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