he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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