you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
