You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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