It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
