Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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