Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
