I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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