I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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