I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
