Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
