we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
