just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
