I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
