when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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