you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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