i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
