I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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