I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
