rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This couple is walking their pig around campus
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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