The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
