i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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