DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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