my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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