You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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