I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize