So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I deserve this hangover.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
