I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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