make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
