I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
