gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
