please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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