I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
