Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
