a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
