hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
