Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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