if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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