Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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