Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
