I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
