ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
