Umm I'm too high to move.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
