I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
