If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
