i'm signing you up for texting rehab
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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