I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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