I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
