Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
