Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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